Compassion is easy to talk about but not always easy to give. As a parent finding and teaching compassion brings peace.
Compassion when the job of parenting gets hard takes work. It’s a skill we need to learn to raise healthy adults. Teaching our children to find compassion when it’s hard, is rewarding. Seeing them show empathy and act on it makes the hard worth it.
In this blog I’ll share two experiences where compassion was taught and then found.
COMPASSION THROUGHOUT THE YEAR
There are times of the year when compassion is easier than others. Christmas and Thanksgiving provide us with many opportunities to show compassion as we give and share. The trick is to make it last all year long: remembering compassion at home with children who try our patience; teaching compassion to children who it might not come naturally to.
In my parenting journey, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to teach this concept, as well as practice it. It’s an eye opener when events transpire back-to-back that “light up” whether you’re living what you’re teaching. Practice makes perfect, right?
THE NEW GIRL
In the last twelve days I’ve taught and then had to live what I taught concerning compassion. I do therapeutic foster care for Native American kids, in case you don’t know. We got a new girl who was pretty shell shocked. It’s not surprising that kids have a rough time being taken from their parents and placed in foster care, sometimes more than once. Those who are leaving the reservation for the first time, especially when it’s unexpected, are obviously in a very traumatic situation.
It was late and this teenager wanted to be alone, so we gave her space, reassuring her that we understood and were there if she needed anything. After a day or two to adjust, kids usually relax some and come out of their shell, especially when there are other foster kids their age, gender, and race. Not in this case.
DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES
We’ve had one girl for several years, and we’re very close. I consider her my daughter, and she’s called a ray of sunshine by everyone who knows her. She’s had a room to herself a lot, so getting a roommate was a drag, even though they are the same age. Added to that, the new girl did not want to talk or interact with anyone. This made for many awkward moments over the next couple days. (Rest assured there were many people involved in helping her to adjust.)
Parents know that every kid is different. Sometimes it just takes longer for some people to adjust than others.
At the end of a somewhat uneasy second day, I asked my daughter how it was going. She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “It’s so weird,” she said. “I’m used to having my own room, and she won’t even talk to me.” A soft growl escaped her throat.
TEACHING COMPASSION
Don’t you think it’s great when the opportunity to teach a concept lands right in your lap? I pulled her into an embrace and said, “I know. It’s really hard. I’m glad you’re there for her.”
I got another eye roll as she backed up. “But I don’t know what do or say.”
“I know if anyone can help her, it’s you. You know what it’s like to have to leave your home — to come live with a crazy white family.” I finally got a chuckle. “Her brother is at someone else’s house. It’s her senior year, for goodness sakes. Who wants to start at a new high school their senior year?
“I don’t know what to say or do.”
“If you find compassion in your heart, you will do and say the kind thing. If you find irritation in your heart, you’re likely to say or do hurtful things.”
“What you need to do is find compassion in your heart. If you have compassion, you will do and say the kind thing. But . . . if you find irritation in your heart, you’re likely to say or do hurtful things.” I patted my chest for emphasis.
Her face softened, and I could tell the empathy was taking over. “Okay, Mom. Thanks.” I got another hug, and the days got a little easier, even if the situation didn’t.
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH
There’s nothing like having to put into practice what you preach. In more ways than one. Remember when I said in my “Remembering Homework” blog to not take your children’s poor choices personally? Well, that’s not always easy.
We found out that this wonderful daughter of ours made some common teenage mistakes that required some tough love and compassion. (What those mistakes are, are inconsequential. I’m sure you can write a long list of possible infractions kids commit.)
My initial emotions were anger, betrayal, and hurt. The matter at hand was something we’d discussed, and she assured me would never happen. Of course, lying comes into play with most situations when a child is afraid of getting found out. That hurts too.
If you’re in these situations and you find yourself saying, “How could you do this to me/us?” You’re not alone. And usually that first reaction is a little dramatic.
Step away.
Time passes and you think, “Wow. I was kind of emotional over that.” Remember — kids are not doing stuff TO us. They’re just doing normal kid stuff that they have to learn from. Mostly they’re doing it to themselves.
After taking a deep breath, and reminding ourselves of this, we jumped into the teaching phase.
TEACHING WITH COMPASSION
When she was alone with my husband, she said, “Mom hates me now, doesn’t she?” He reassured her that my anger and sadness was due to my willingness to step in front of a train for her but not being able to. (Guess who had to step away for a minute? Okay, it was more like an hour.)
When I had private time with her, I hugged her tightly and assured her that I did not hate her. I loved her and that meant I was hurt and sad over her choices. The cost of those choices was going to make her sad. I don’t want her to be sad. But none of the consequences meant we hated her. Just the opposite. We care enough to help her grow up a little bit more.
Take Time – avoid knee-jerk reactions!
As my husband and I sat alone and discussed those consequences, the most important thing we did — and that I urge you to do — is have compassion. The same compassion I was asking her to find. Use empathy. Why did she do what she did? Did we ever experience that? Do we know how that feels right now? How can we find natural consequences that will help her learn from this? No crazy punishments.
Our hearts filled with love as we put ourselves in her shoes. We found that we completely “got” why the situation created her sequence of choices. That didn’t mean they were excusable, but they were UNDERSTANDABLE (totally wrong, still). The next step was finding ways to help her find better choices next time she was in that situation.
The Pushover
At the same time, don’t be the pushover. Your compassion doesn’t mean you have to get them out of their pickle (totally wrong, still). To learn you sometimes have to suffer. If you prevent the suffering, you might prevent the learning, too. My husband is well-known for trying too hard to soften the blow. He tempers me down, so that’s a good thing.
VERIFY UNDERSTANDING
As each consequence was handed down, we’d ask, “Why are we doing this?” A few times we reminded her that this wasn’t because we’re mad. It had nothing to do with wanting her to suffer. “You made a choice and you’ve lost (blank).” or “You decided to do this, so now we can’t trust that you won’t do that. We have to do such and such to make sure you’re a safe and happy adult soon.”
Yes, there were some serious consequences. I started to list them, but that doesn’t really matter. No one needs to know what she did or what happened because of it. We all screw up, and we all learn from mistakes.
The point is, we each put compassion into practice this month and found peace in doing so. It was an AH-HA moment for me, and I was thankful for it.
LINKS YOU MIGHT ENJOY
Accepting Emotions Is a Step Towards Loving Yourself and Others
Compassion vs. Empathy: What’s the Difference? by Masterclass.com
Why A Compassionate Family is a Happy Family by Today.com
YOUR TURN
Have you ever been in a position where you had to put compassion into play when it was hard? When have you seen your kids show compassion either from a lesson you openly taught or from them watching you model it? Feeling compassion is marvelous. Watching it in action is heartwarming. If you’d like to share a time when compassion was shown to you, I’d love to hear it.
Yes! When my daughter is in an emotional state, most of the time it comes with an onslaught of everything I do wrong or have done wrong by her perspective. Even though it hurts, I use those times to listen. I often have to do the hard mental work of talking myself down and really stepping into when I’m in emotional andhow I need someone when I’m in that state of mind. I remember what it was like being her age and at that limited understanding and perspective. It takes a lot of empathy as a parent. But when I do the listening and practice empathy, I respond with love and better boundaries. My list can go on as my kids are becoming teenagers. But just one this blog post, practice makes it easier and I get kinda “excited” in a sense for my teaching moments. I love seeing my kids grow!
Today as I drove home from work I reflected on my difficulty with compassion and empathy when I was younger with autism and how it seemed like nothing anyone said made the feeling part of it understandable. I could mentally grasp why I needed empathy but I didn’t feel it. It all changed with music. I listened to a song that was about losing your spouse. (I believe by Diamond Rio BTW) and little me lost it. I felt it. I felt that sadness. From there I was able to listen to more music about different experiences and complex feelings that I hadn’t experienced and I gained insight to the feelings behind empathy. Music is an incredibly helpful tool to unlock emotion for those who don’t feel with spoken word all the time.
Another major recommended for teaching empathy has been table top role playing games. Like DnD and other character based story telling games. Nothing helps you jump into another person’s shoes like having to pretend to be someone else and make decisions you wouldn’t normally make and think like you wouldn’t normally think. The jump from that controlled game environment to real life isn’t a far one and you begin to see that everyone is on an adventure of their own, making the best decisions they can. it’s eye opening, therapeutic, and healing. I recommend it for anyone who struggles with empathy and understanding others.