Accepting Emotions Is a Step Towards Loving Yourself and Others

There are days when accepting emotions is difficult. You might tell yourself it is wrong to feel this way. Or there’s no reason to have the emotions you’re having. It’s silly. It’s selfish. It flat out is not acceptable.

Accepting emotions is not a sign of weakness or that you’re somehow broken. Emotional intelligence is an important step in mental health.

In this post I’m going to share why accepting your emotions is an important part of loving yourself and others.

CHANGING GEARS

I was supposed to blog about zucchini. I have an amazing recipe for zucchini bread and the way seo (search engine optimization) works, this would come into the most popular search just about the time everyone has a million zucchini coming out of their garden.  The frozen packages of grated zucchini lay thawing on the counter. I took some of the pictures. I was forcing myself to be excited. That’s not happening today.

Why?

As I told my oldest daughter, it’s because of the lasagna. The layering of events that piled on top of each other. As I lay on my bed with a pounding migraine, trying to convince myself to get up and get to the store for a few ingredients so I could bake zucchini bread, I realized I was not able. The anger of betrayal churned in my heart. Tears of sadness threatened to spill. Guilt pulled at my gut. Exhaustion from sleep deprivation probably contributed to the migraine. This was NOT the article I could pull together today. It was time for accepting my emotions.

Brace Yourself. I’m going to get personal.

I’m a firm believer that sharing our experiences helps others not feel alone in their struggles. We’re not alone. There’s not a situation out there that someone hasn’t been through. So although I’m told “Nobody cares about you in the blogging world, so don’t write about yourself,” I’m going to share today because I think it might help you when you’re in a similar spot. And it will help you help others.

Failure!

The past couple weeks (hmmm . . . year?) have been “T.U.F.F.” as my college shorthand professor loved to say. (If you don’t know what shorthand is, it’s what dinosaurs used to use for dictation before voice recognition software took over.) As some of you may know, we’ve been doing foster care for eight years. I’m told we do it differently than most. I don’t know. I only know how to parent one way. I’m a mom to everyone who enters my home. So yesterday, when the foster agency had to move a teenager from my home, it was that final layer of emotional lasagna that buried me.

Here’s the metaphorical lasagna:

• Foster kids
• Dream car crash
• EB Puppies
• Myalgic Encephalomyelitis
• Foster kids

I (Foster) Care

Coming and Going

Every time a foster child leaves my home under negative circumstances, I struggle with feeling like a failure. I know I’m not, but I have to go through the whole process of accepting emotions every single time. It’s just me. In ten months, I’ve had to say goodbye to three — two of them within two months of each other. The hardest was a teenager who came to me when I began my role as a foster mom seven years ago. He decided he didn’t “like the way we parented”. He couldn’t read and didn’t speak when he came to my home as an 11-year-old. Now he gets nearly straight A-s as a junior. It broke my heart. I’m still suffering.

These kids are family when they enter our home, and it hurts when we can’t help them. It also hurts to be rejected — even if you’re old.

Aging Out

We have room for five kids — between the ages of 12 and 18. The two here are a junior who’s been with us for three years, and a senior who came a little over a year ago. Both express that this is home. Family. Where they’ll age out (reach the age and progress to be released from foster care). 

For the most part, the kids who age out (3 so far) join us for Sunday dinner, Christmas gift exchanges, and family reunions. But the graduating process is HARD. They worry what will happen to them; not quite convinced we really mean what we say. Mistakes happen a lot at this stage.

Fireball

We’ll call the graduate Tony for the sake of a name. Two weeks ago, my husband and I took our monthly get-away. It’s been tough taking those, so we really looked forward to it. Our foster daughter was going out of town as well, so Tony was home by himself with an adult on standby. It’s two days; what could go wrong?

The morning we were set to come home, I got a text: “I’m really sorry, mom.” I figured he forgot to feed the horses, or he accidentally gathered the eggs from underneath the broody hen. I called him when I got a signal.

“What’s up?”

Long pause. “I wrecked your car.”

Dream Car

Every time my husband asked me, “What’s your favorite car?” I answered, “I don’t have one.” They get you from one place to another. Until 2007. I saw a Dodge Charger and fell in love. Not until 2021 when we no longer hauled eight people around in an SUV, did I get my dream car. An orange 2014 SXT Plus with sport mode. I named it Fireball. No one but my husband gets to drive it. It is they ONLY thing I have ever done just for myself.

Tony does not have a driver’s license. He doesn’t even have a permit. Foster kids can’t have licenses. On more than one occasion I have told him we will go to an empty church parking lot for him to learn how to slowly maneuver the car. But under no circumstances will he EVER drive my car alone. EVER.

Between A Rock and A Hard Place

We felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. How do you teach children to own their mistakes if you kick them out? But he STOLE my car!! And wrecked it! We decided the best way to show him how to deal with emotions and be responsible is to model that. He can’t pay for the car from jail, and we weren’t about to use our insurance — for multiple reasons. A sign on our wall says:

IN THIS HOUSE we do second chances. We do real. We make mistakes. We do forgiveness. We do LOUD really well. We are family. We do HUGS. We do LOVE.

So we hugged him and wrote a contract for him to pay the $9k in damages.

He had to watch us deal with our emotions. We were angry, sad, disappointed. There was no yelling, slamming, or kicking him out. Then we helped him work through his. He was scared, but he still had to face the consequences. Repairing the fence and signing a two-year payment contract. Progress, right?

Blossom’s Puppies

Add to the lasagna our English Bulldog, Blossom. In March we bred her. It takes a lot of money and time to successfully raise puppies. The 9 weeks gestation was a bit stressful as we wondered whether we’d have enough puppies to cover all the costs.

The Sunday after the car was wrecked, Blossom delivered three puppies by C-section at the vet’s. Momma and puppies have to be kept separated for the puppies’ safety. Every two hours, I put the puppies with Blossom to nurse and sat guard for the hour they ate. You have to clean the babies’ bottoms frequently to get them to pee and poo. Puppies don’t do that on their own. I was exhausted! Within 24 hours, however, Blossom was helping with bathroom needs like she did with the first litter. I’m relieved!

Two days later, we lost a puppy. Devastation! What happened? Although Blossom stimulated them with her licking, she didn’t actually clean this baby’s butt, and he couldn’t defecate. I was tempted to pretend I didn’t know why it died. Talk about accepting emotions and responsibility! That was T.U.F.F. Anger, guilt, sadness. FAILURE! That’s $3k to $4k lost. It was hard to be real and face my mistake.

M.E. Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day started out wonderfully with brunch at The Skillet. Before we ever left the restaurant, however, I crashed with M.E. I could barely hold myself up. My sweet husband took care of my every need all day long, but it was tough “missing the day”. Children gave me tea to drink, flowers to plant, chocolate to eat, handmade jewelry to wear, and called if they were too far away. I slept and had help with all the animals — even the puppies. It was a good day, overall. One a.m. that night doesn’t count as that day, right?

Mistakes That’re Out of My Hands

In the early hours of the morning, as I lay down after a puppy feeding (1 am) my foster daughter came into me. In tears, she crawled on the bed. “What’s the matter?” I asked.

She told me that Tony came into her room a few nights before wanting her to get drunk with him and wouldn’t leave. He left after much coaxing, and nothing “happened”, but she was scared. She couldn’t take the scared feeling anymore, so she had to tell me. I snuggled her up to me and reassured her she was safe. I thanked her for telling me — and the friend who encouraged her not to keep it a secret. Thankfully, her therapist works with her on recognizing and accepting emotions. It is typical for trauma survivors to smother their feelings — fawning.

Then I marched up to Tony’s room, found the Gatorade bottle masking alcohol, and told him that I couldn’t save him from his own stupid decisions. Even if I didn’t kick him out, the incident had to be reported. “I can fix my car, but I can’t fix that,” I said pointing to the room down the hall. The conversation was long and ended in a hug, but I was heartsick over what might happen. No sleep again.

Dealing With It

Monday

We met with the foster agency. They had to remove him from the home. I had to pack up all his belongings. What about his graduation party? How can I teach him what families do when I’m so mad?  I have to protect my daughter. That’s what she is — foster or otherwise. I’m sad that he’s throwing away his life over selfish desires and addictions. Sad that he’s not using his therapist to work out his troubles — just pretending that he’s doing everything right.

I find out that there’s more behavior he hid. Although he swears he wasn’t drinking when he took the car, I know he was. The lies compound and it hurts. 

Tuesday

My car is wrecked, a puppy is dead, my son (foster, but still) has gone because I couldn’t reach him. I have to put his room back together for whatever kid is next.

I feel like a failure — guilty because I don’t want to do anything for him. Conflicted because as a mom I really do want to give him all the things I give every other senior. Prom was supposed to be Saturday. I’m supposed to be making corsages and boutonnieres and a three-course meal for him and his friend’s dates.

Mad. Sad. Guilty. Confused. But I’m fine, right? I’m fine.

I distract myself by working on the next blog post; taking pictures, writing lists. Weigh, clean, and feed puppies. My head is splitting. I’M FINE. I can do this. There’s nothing I could have done differently. “Pull it together, Irene. This isn’t the first, it won’t be the last. Mistakes are part of life. Just move on.” I can’t.

No. Stop.

“Irene! Why are you doing this?” I’ve watch people deny their emotions. I’m doing it! How many times have I told my children, foster children, grandchildren that it’s okay to acknowledge your emotions? No emotion is BAD. It’s what you do with them that matters. If anything is “bad” it’s pretending you’re fine when you’re not.

Accepting emotions, sitting with them, letting them happen naturally is the first step in self-care. Choose what you will do to deal with them and love yourself.

STEPS FOR ACCEPTING EMOTIONS

Disclaimer. I am NOT a professional psychologist, doctor, or anything of the sort. I’m a professional Mom. I’ve been around the block and taken numerous trainings for foster care. In college I studied music therapy for bit. This advice is from things I’ve learned and studied on my own. If you need professional help, please don’t hesitate to seek it.

Recognize

At times it’s hard to recognize our emotions and face them. We’re caught up in the moment. We don’t want to have negative emotions; maybe they’re a sign of weakness, or they mean we’re bad, or we simply don’t have time for them. Whatever the reason, it keeps us from being well. I’m sure you’ve heard the term “bottling your emotions”. This video by Psych2go describes 6 signs you’re bottling your emotions.

Here are some physical signs you’re experiencing negative emotions:

• Heart beating faster/ racing
• Breathing faster or shallow
• Hands clenched and muscles tight — neck, shoulders, forehead, jaw
• Face flushed
• Headache (usually from those tight muscles)
• Sleepy
• Intestinal distress — diarrhea, constipation, rumbling stomach, no appetite

Breathe

Take some deep breaths. There are many breathing techniques. My favorite go-to is the 4 7 8 exercise. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for 7, and breathe out for 8. I do this four or five times until my head is clear or I feel better. Being aware of our breathing helps us to be able to think clearly, so we can move forward.

Name Your Emotions

Priscilla or Oscar — Sam, maybe. Kidding. Not that kind of naming. What emotions are you feeling? You’d be surprised how many teenagers cannot identify what emotion they’re feeling. Take a moment to figure it out. Am I sad? Mad, hangry, frustrated, hurt, lonely, glad? All the above. You can feel more than one at a time. If you need help, there are charts that identify a wide range of emotion. I really like Live Bold and Bloom because they’ve compiled a wide variety of charts to choose from. Once you recognize which emotion you’re feeling, you can move on.

Accept Emotions and Be

When an event is fresh, sometimes all you can do is exist. It is perfectly okay not to be okay. Accepting emotions and living in the moment might be all you can do. Breathe and be. Embrace the suck, as I like to say. Be sad. Be mad. Be lonely. Sit in the moment. Let everything that can be put off go for now. Laundry, phone calls, meals, lawn work. Whatever. Everything will still be there when your head is wrapped around the event.

I said to myself, “Self, it’s okay to be sad, because I have reason to be mad. I love the kids who come to my home, and it’s okay to keep loving him. It’s also okay to not throw a big grand party for him. I don’t have to make any decisions today. It’s not a good idea to act on emotion, anyway. Let’s go vomit write.”

Don’t stay in that space indefinitely, though. Take the next step.

Identify Thoughts

Actions are produced from feelings, which are triggered by thoughts. Accepting emotions starts with identifying the thoughts. Are they true or false?  Altering the thoughts for a better outcome can be hard and may take some time.

Example: Mom is slamming doors and yelling. Why? She determines she’s angry (obviously?). What is she thinking? “The only thing I’ve ever bought for myself is now trashed. (TRUE) I don’t know if it’s totaled or fixable. (FALSE) I’ll never have my dream car again (FALSE).” (Can you guess who I’m describing?) New thought pattern: “I can’t change that the car is wrecked. The mechanic said the frame wasn’t bent, so it’s probably fixable. Those scratches and dings already on the hood are going to be fixed in the process. Awesome!” New action: Mom is looking forward to getting her car back and having it look even better than before, which causes her to talk with excitement to everyone. No door slamming.

Self-Care

Take care of yourself. Acknowledge what it is you need to feel better. My husband and I cancelled everything and went to see “Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 3”. It was a great escape. Self-care goes a long way. Here’s a list of things you can do to love yourself.

• soak in a tub
• read
• go for a walk
• do some art
• call a friend and download; a sounding board might just be the ticket
• play a sport or do another activity that requires physical exertion – get those endorphins pumping
•  get a manicure, pedicure, or massage
• sleep
• play with some animals
• serve someone else (volunteer in a classroom or at a food bank)
• focus on your hobby
• Listen to some great music — you can also use some visualization techniques with it.

You know what I did? I vomit wrote. What’s that, you say? Like I said at the beginning of this post, I ditched the blog I was going to write and started writing everything I felt. I wrote it to you. The next day I deleted about 2/3 of it. You didn’t need to know every single detail of what happened and what I felt about it. But I needed to. I didn’t want to verbally spew, so I did it on paper with a #2 pencil. Okay, the computer this time. It feels good. You should try it sometime.

It’s actually two days later now because it’s taken that long with puppies and sleep deprivation and migraines and ME. It’s OKAY!! Today is fabulous!!! No migraine. A got a good night’s sleep now that the puppies are big enough Blossom won’t squish them. My head is clear. I no longer feel like crying or screaming. See what self-care can do?

FEELING BETTER

One of the most important things to remember when you’re going through rough emotions, is that it will get better. The moment always feels like it’s never going to end. It might take a day or three, but it WILL get better. If you feel like your negative emotions are going on and on, I encourage you to seek out some help. Moreover, mental health is getting easier to access all the time. In fact, I’m getting ready to contact betterhelp.com to deal with some of the emotional situations that have avalanched in the last year. I’ll let you know how that goes.

I hope my experience has strengthened your ability at accepting emotions in your life. It’s not always easy. Once you get better at it, you’ll be able to help your kids, friends, or other loved ones. Loving yourself builds the bridge for loving others.

Links You Might Enjoy

• I loved this YouTube video about understanding and dealing with negative emotions with Dr. Tracey Marks.
•  The School of Life created How to Process Your Emotions. It’s amazing how our minds process everything we go through.
• Emotions and the Brain captured some of the concepts I’m trying to explain. Check it out below.

YOUR TURN

Have you ever had a time when accepting emotions was particularly hard? How did you handle it? Who helped you? What do you like to do for self-care? I hope you’ll share with us in the comments below.