No matter the age, kids throw a temper tantrum at some point. The challenge as a parent is to not throw one yourself just because they are. Sometimes that feels like an impossible task.
In this blog, we’ll cover some tips to stay in control when it feels like everyone — from toddlers to teens — is out of control.
PARENTING IS HARD
Parenting is hard. I know that’s probably a surprise to you. You’re sitting there thinking, “This is a piece of cake. What are you talking about?” If that’s you, you’re probably parenting a plant. Okay, never mind. That’s tough, too. A rock. You’re parenting a rock.
I remember coming home from the hospital with my first child and thinking how great it was. Finally living my dream. That quickly transformed into, “I hope this gets easier by the time I’m a grandparent, because I don’t know what I’m doing.” I thought since I’d been “mothering” my nephews and nieces from the age of 8, I had it figured out. How wrong I was!
I’m grateful I had a lot of practice, but aunting is not parenting. Big shout out to all my nieces and nephews that I got to practice on. And another THANK YOU to my siblings for the great aunting and uncleing they’ve done to my kids. Followed by a big apology to Child#1 and Child #2 who bore the brunt of the parental learning curve.
IT’S ABOUT CONTROL
After 31 years of parenting (and that doesn’t count the 13 years of practice) I’ve come to realize that it’s about control. Human beings want to be in control. We need that security. When we’re not, we’re unhappy, and it shows in one way or another.
An infant is rarely in control, and they let us know quite often. A toddler is figuring out rapidly that they have some control, so when they don’t have it, they’re figuring out how to get it back. And this is where they throw a temper tantrum. We call this the Terrible Twos, but I promise it can be just as bad at 12 and 42 if we don’t learn how to manage our emotions. Learning when and how to help our kids have control is important.
A temper tantrum looks different for each age group. Your infant cries, your child gets grouchy, while your teenager sulks or yells. There are a lot of different signs we need to recognize, but let’s just say that as a parent we know something is off. That’s when we remember to HALT.
HALT
I learned about HALT from a women’s group. A child specialist taught us that when a child is upset and throwing a tantrum, we should think of the acronym that stood for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Analyze the situation and address whatever was causing the meltdown. Nobody can think rationally when they’re stressed from these situations. At the time, my children were 6 and younger, and it was extremely helpful. I’ve since learned that this applies to people of all ages.
Let’s review what each letter stands for and how they can apply to various ages.
Hungry
Hunger is the first of two physical states. The term “hangry” is very descriptive. I have one particular child who gets upset when she’s hungry. It’s an unpleasant feeling and has real side effects as the blood sugar lowers and the brain and body don’t have the energy they need. When an infant cries, we usually look at the clock and wonder when they ate last. Do we remember to do that with our teens? Luckily, fixing this problem is pretty easy unless you have a picky eater. Been there, done that.
Angry
Anger is an emotional response but can be caused by any number of stimuli — physical, emotional, or mental. Again, let’s think of an infant. When their diaper is wet, they’re uncomfortable and upset about it. We don’t get angry; we change the bum. Let’s think about an older child. They come home from school and slam the door and yell at you when you ask what’s wrong. Obviously angry. Do you get angry back because they were disrespectful? Wouldn’t it be nice if it were as easy as changing the diaper?
Lonely
This emotional response is due to our human need to feel connected. We need interaction and validation. Yes, your infant can be lonely. Are you on your phone when you’re nursing or bottle feeding? Their physical need is being met, but they can still communicate when the emotional connection is missing. Your kids, no matter what age, need your attention and validation. A teenager isn’t going to admit they’re lonely for you. If they’re battling you, and they’re not hungry, angry, or tired, they might be begging for some attention. Could they be lonely in their social circles?
Tired
I’m sure you’ve all had that overexerted child who is so tired they’re miserable. They throw a temper tantrum, and you know that if they’d just sleep, they’d feel better. I promise you, the same thing goes for the adults and every age between. Are you aware of your teen’s sleep patterns? Do they know how to recognize when they’re too tired?
HUMAN VENDING MACHINES
My oldest brother, who now holds a doctorate and founded a school in South Phoenix, gave a class on parenting while I was in college. I attended because homemaking and mothering were my preferred occupation. He likened a child’s temper tantrum to someone trying to get an item out of a defective vending machine.
You put the money in and expect a certain response — the item to be delivered. When that doesn’t happen, you push the button a few more times, thinking that the machine didn’t get the message. If nothing happens, then you might kick or hit the machine, maybe shake it a little. You get angrier and angrier as you fail to get what you expect.
We are the human vending machines for our children. They put in their little coin (have a desire) and expect a certain response. It is up to us to determine how to respond to that desire. If we don’t give them what they need or want, we’re going to get a little button pushing and machine shaking.
DELIVERING THE RIGHT GOODS
It is our purpose to deliver (raise) happy, healthy, and well-adjusted human beings. Unfortunately, it’s not always clear how to get there. How do we deliver what they need and withhold what they don’t? What if we’re the ones making them angry? Is it possible to put a teenager to bed if they don’t want to go there? It definitely takes some self-reflection and course correction if we’re not meeting their needs.
Remember that part about parenting being hard? Sometimes I want to throw a temper tantrum! That’s where recognizing HALT for ourself is important.
It takes patience to figure out what our kids need. Here are some tips for deescalating the situation so we don’t throw a tantrum right along with our kids.
HALTING TEMPER TANTRUMS
The best time to take action is before a tantrum starts. If you can, begin when they’re young. But it’s not too late if you’re already heading into (or neck deep) in the teenage years. I actually love the teenage years – when you can connect and have fun on a whole new level.
- EXPECTATIONS: Make your expectations perfectly clear. Example #1: Bedtime is at 8, so you set a ritual for getting the kids to bed. Example #2: Homework should be completed and turned in by the end of the week so you can do something fun during the weekend. Example #3: We eat dinner at the table. If you get down, dinnertime is over. Don’t throw random rules out there unexpectedly. Your kids will feel more in control if they know what to expect.
- HALT: When someone starts to throw a temper tantrum, go through the HALT questions. Don’t be afraid to ask. Solve the problems. If you’re part of the problem, figure out how to fix that. (Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I’ve been the problem, and I know it.) Evaluate yourself as well. If you need to step back from the situation until you’re not angry etc., then do that. Which leads to #3.
- TAKE A TIMEOUT: Timeouts aren’t bad. Screaming “Go to timeout” isn’t what I’m talking about. “Hey, how about if we take some deep breaths — let’s pretend to smell some flowers and blow out candles.” “Would you like to take a little walk and get some space before we talk some more?” “I need to get a snack. Do you want to join me?” “You seem tired. Let’s talk about this tomorrow.” Of course, these need to be age appropriate.
- BE THE EXAMPLE: Whatever you expect of your kids, you should emulate. If you freak out and throw tantrums, then they’re going to. Your sleep habits turn into their sleep habits. However you handle stressful situations will be their cue of how to handle them.
- HANG TIGHT: When what they need isn’t what they want, be firm but kind. If your child is upset and pushing buttons because they think you’ll finally deliver what they want, remember a vending machine truth. If you never get that soda, eventually you give up and walk away. Stay calm. Hold your ground.
- COMPASSION: Show compassion for their situation. There is power in the phrase, “I know.” Situation #1: The four-year-old hit his brother because he wants the toy. Now he’s screaming because you won’t let him have it. It’s not quite lunch time. “I know you’re angry because you want to play with that car. Hitting isn’t kind. Take some deep breaths with me and then we’ll get a snack. Do you want a cheese stick or an apple?” Situation #2: Your teenage daughter is mad because you took her phone when she failed to come home on time. TD: “This isn’t fair! My friends don’t have a curfew.” LP (loving parent): “You’re really mad, and I can understand why. I know you’d like to stay out later. On school nights you have to be home at 10, though.”
- USE SOME HUMOR: My husband is the best at this. He can diffuse a tense situation faster than water on a fire. *sniff sniff* “You smell funny.” Guy humor, I guess. Or he says the unexpected. “It could be worse. You could be raised by wolves.” He’s tough, so he lets the girls punch him in the shoulder to release their frustration. This always gets them laughing.
- TAG TEAM IT: Have someone you can tag to take over. When I know my husband is done, I take over, and vice versa. If you’re a single parent, utilize a family member or someone your child trusts. It takes a village. Just make sure that person is on the same page with you.
- CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES: Sometimes it’s just not important to win the battle if you lose the war. Maintain the relationship. If your child is struggling, maybe it’s not the time to insist they make their bed. Bedtime is 8, but you can tell more one-on-one time is needed. They are not going to eat those beets regardless of how long they sit at the table, so make a concession. “Instead of eating those beets, how about helping me load the dishwasher? Then we’ll have a scoop of ice cream.”
PARENTING IS NOT FOR WIMPS
Hang in there! You’re doing a great job. The most important thing to remember is that they’re very peaceful when they’re asleep. So go in and look at them tucked into bed. If they’re teenage boys, you’ll probably need to plug your nose. If they’re girls, you might have to dig under their stuffed animals to find them. I know it’s cliche to say that time will go by faster than you know, and you’ll miss this. You probably won’t miss the tantrums, but if you let the tantrums rule your world, you will miss the good stuff.
YOUR TURN
Is there an age that you think tantrums are the worst? What method do you think works best for dealing with temper tantrums? Have you used the HALT method before, and do you use it for yourself as well?
